Tuesday, January 20, 2004 So, here I am, I guess. The move went spectacularly well. I'm completely spoiled. I have such great friends.

I tried to fight it for 2 days, but I eventually couldn't help myself, and I've fallen in love with my little house. It doesn't feel like some old lady's old house. It feels like mine. In the evening, after I get off from work, I take off my jacket, put on a sweater, and my slippers... the same slippers that were way too hot on my feet at home. I spend the evening trying to find something decent on TV, or finding something to organize. I go to bed underneath a big comfy goose down comforter. My sleep is uninterrupted.

So, the job. I feel incompetent and totally inexperienced and unsure of myself. Yes, My Faithful Pep Squad, I know it will get better in time. In fact, today was better than the day previous. However, the other women who were in these position seemed to have been able to just pick up things and go with them. I'm not that sure of myself, at least just yet. I haven't gotten excited about anything yet.

Today, I told my boss I'd be leaving. She was in my office a lot today, just bouncing ideas off me, telling me about things, planning ahead. I sat there playing nervously with paper clips, carefully waiting for the best time to tell her. It never came. I couldn't actually say the words. There she was, complaining about how much she had to do, and how worried she was about the upcomming interviews she was doing for an unrelated job she posted... It never seemed like a good time, you know?

Then, she started talking about next year. She said something like "we'll need to talk about that", and my heart began to race, and I began to get flustered. She then asked me if I was planning on staying on after January. It came down to one word. "No."

I had tried to talk a bit more, to explain things, but I just couldn't. I felt myself getting emotional, as was she, and we decided that we'd get together for drinks some night and discuss things. I told her, though, that I didn't want to leave my job, per se. She said she thinks she knows the reasons I'm leaving, so that makes me feel better. We talked a bit more and she said they'd probably have to scale back my position for 2 or 3 days a week anyway, so I also don't feel like I leaving them out to dry.

I went back and read my first post from this new job (see above). I feel much more confident than I did when I arrived. I still feel unexperienced, but I've accepted the fact that the only thing that will change that is, well, experience. That comes with time. I also realized that the women who were here previously did not 'run with it', like I thought they did. Hm.

I won't write any goodbye speeches yet. That'll come soon enough. A month isn't a very long time.

On the upside of all this, and is much more exciting, I think, is that I will be coming home. Home. Hm. Over the last year, my definition of that word has changed dramatically. Y'know, it's true what they say. Home really is where the heart is.


Happy Birthday, baby.